• Are you a stupid schmuck?
• Are you so dense that light bends around your head?
• Do you have a chronic allergy to exertion? Do you develop violent allergic reactions to a honest day’s work?
• Are you a consummate liar?
• Do you have the intelligence of a half witted hen?
• Can you at least write the initials of your name, and read them?
• Do you think that Robin Hood was out of his mind, stealing from the rich to feed the poor when he instead should have been stealing from everyone to feed himself?
• Can you say the phrase “It wasn’t me” believably even if there is video evidence to the contrary?
• Are you a team player? Will you let your colleagues eat from the public coffers in peace?
• Do you believe that all your problems are caused because “Money has been poured to finish you”
• Are you unable to have a coherent conversation with a 5 year old?
• Do you have trouble with words that have more than two syllables?
• Have you seen and fought in both world wars?
• Have you personally met Livingstone, Speke or any other explorer?
• Did your primary school atlas have only one continent, and was it Pangea?
• Do your friends and loved ones cringe when you open your mouth in preparation to speak?
• Do you have trouble distinguishing the words PUBLIC and MINE?
• Are you a colossal bore? Would people rather paint their houses with their tongues than enjoy your society?
• Can you sleep on demand?

If you have answered YES to any of these questions, then we are looking for you!

The Cabinet Of Kenya is one of the fastest growing entities in the world. Our motto is “Quantity” and our mission statement is “The More The Merrier”. And just last night we grew still more.

Benefits

• Job security: As sure as some of our members’ affinity for free stuff, your job is secure. Like the Mafia (the Italian One), the only way out of the Cabinet is via the Grim Reaper (*Note1)
  
• Free helicopter rides
• Handsome remu… renu … remune …. renume … Salary!
• Hookups from fellow cabinet ministers e.g. tax waivers, import contracts
• Free use of Government facilities. (We have an excellent army that can dig boreholes, herd your cattle, till your farm, etc. The Airforce can be deployed to take care of those pesky crows and hawks troubling your farm. Our Navy can take excellent care of your swimming pool. These bodies also do stuff when we are attacked)
• Ample assistance: 3 assistant ministers, 3 assistant assistant ministers, 2 deputy assistant ministers and 4 deputy deputy sub assistant ministers
• Comprehensive insurance for life and all body parts (*Note2)
  
• Interest free loans / grants (*Note3)
  
• Your own convoy, complete with bodyguards who don’t have the sense to get into their cars while they are stationary but instead wait for them to hit breakneck speeds

*Note1: Some wives can also effect your dismissal from your post so watch yourself!
*Note2: For those freak candidates who have a brain, they are not expected to use them, so there is no need to insure them
*Note3: Not available to all dockets.

FALL FROM GRACE
From being in charge of Tanks and Fighter Jets to matatus and boda bodas

JUST A MATTER OF TIME

President Mwai Kibaki realizes that after shuffling his government, he has forgotten to include himself in the final listing

Nirvanah – Smells Like Teen Spirit

Calling the Education Ministry is an exercise in frustration. Opening the Yellow Pages to get the necessary numbers should give you the first clue. About 10 of the senior most officials have the very same number.

You’d think that this would be a good sign that you would get a response. This is where you would be wrong. Immediately my call was answered I was immediately consigned to hold without hearing a human voice. A minute later I was disconnected altogether. This charade took place three more times before I gave up.

For hours of entertainment, try calling the Office Of The President. You will run around in circles like a circus beast for hours of endless entertainment!

Oddly enough, the Immigration Ministry is pretty good when it comes to telephone inquiries.

Who’da thunk? Nairoby Police Department Blues on our very own shores

Excerpts
Gangsta: Kwani munanirushia teargas mkiniambia nitoke? Ngoja tu
Cop: Ni yeye!, wee mjinga toka, wacha kutisha sisi fanya haraka

Over the next couple of days a bunch of friends, colleagues in arms and partners in crime are departing our hallowed shores for an assortment of destinations. So to Frida, Ory, Eric, JP and Mash, adieu, Godspeed and adios!

For those North America Bound this is precisely for you :)

That Aside
I find it ridiculous that the only prisoners being released from Guantanamo Bay are the ones whose countries are well connected such as Britain, Australia etc. This beggars the question — are the Americans trying to tell us that those particular countries cannot produce terrorists?

If I ever make it to heaven, I’ll do it smelling of smoke. I’ll be the absolute last guy before the gate is slammed shut behind me. My flowing robes will be smouldering. But all will be good!

Yesterday while seated in the ubiquitous shuttle, a very smart, very pretty lass made an entrance. I’ve always had an idea what “sight for sore eyes” means, and it was reinforced again. (At this point in time I can freely confess that It took me quite some time to get round to ascertaining that she was pretty because part of her repertoire was an amazingly short skirt that ended almost as soon as it begun). She looked around and came right to the back and sat down next to me.

This I did not mind.

For convenience, let us call her Mo. A few minutes later I was convinced that Mo was not happy with her chosen attire for the day. Why? Because Mo kept squirming and pulling down the bottom of her skirt. This went on for quite a while because a few minutes after pulling down the skirt, some of the physics she took in school came back to her, namely if you lower the bottom of an object by x units, its top correspondingly lowers by x units as well, and she’d pull the top back again.

Five minutes of this seesaw as Mo wrestled with her skirt and I was unable to resist the temptation to churn the waters.

At this point in time I should point out that those who know me well know that I at times employ what someone once (laughably) described as “a wooden like mask of stone” that serves me very well when circumstances are such that I cannot decide whether to to laugh or to be sombre. The net effect is that I look like I have weighty, highly pressing affairs of state on my mind. So I quickly put this on, lowered my Business Week and turned to her.

Mo looked uncomfortably back and pulled her skirt down.

I got rid of the ‘sura ya kazi‘ and flashed my best smile. (I’m further told that the sudden change is extremely unsettling)

Mo looked uncomfortably back and hiked the skirt back up.

Things then proceeded as follows:

Mo: (Still looking decidedly uncomfortable, takes a sudden interest in Business Week) Do you mind?
M: Not at all! (Surrenders magazine)
Mo: (Leafs through magazine, and three or four pages later realizes it’s upside down. Corrects this) It’s got some interesting articles! I thought they only talked about the nitty gritty of business?
M: Oh no! (Enjoying self immensely) Far from it! As a matter of fact, not too long ago they did an article on dressing for success. The role of dress in the modern work ethic (Here, lying outrageously through the teeth)
Mo: Really?
M: Yep. Lovely outfit by the way

Whoever thinks that our Nubian Queens can’t blush, you’d better think again!

Weird Stuff Dept
Some poor dude was jailed becuase he doesn’t user Internet Explorer, Firefox or Opera Will these wars ever end?

It seems that there has been some controversy in the music world on who exactly can use the phrase “back that ass up” that led to court….

New local blogs put of the woodwork:

• Kipchirchir
• Daktari
• My Part Of The World