Government: no frontier untouched!

*This image may or may not be an accurate representation.

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What one needs to understand about the Kenyan MP is as follows:

1. The Kenyan MP is generally of questionable utility, and of indeterminate paternal origin
2. The Kenyan MP fondly believes that an IQ of room temperature is remarkable
3. The Kenyan MP has an IQ of just below room temperature
4. The Kenyan MP fondly believes that everyone else is less intelligent
5. See #2

Once you have these basic principles in mind, it is pretty easy to understand these freaks of nature.

The Waki Report

The instant I heard that a commission was being formed to look into the unrest and name suspects, I bitterly remarked that Kenya would yet again provide another contribution to one and two ply tissue that battle valiantly to clean the human backside. Few supplies of paper are as steady as Kenyan commission reports.

There is no way that report is going to be implemented. Either it will be summarily rejected or a tribunal with the bite of a very large dog (a hot dog) will carry out the recommendations and find nothing. But that is neither here nor there. What I found hilarious was that about 8 months ago ODM were on TV refusing to go to court over the election results. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to debate the wisdom of that. What they said was that there was “no way they would get justice in a Kenyan court”.

Just the other day the same fellows were waxing lyrical about Kenya’s “sovereignty and ability of the judiciary to handle matters”.

Now you and I might find this to be a contradiction, but keep in mind this is the Kenyan MP. See #1 - #3

Taxation

In terms of appearing to care for the welfare of the Kenyan, few can match the performance of the Kenyan MP. Even when out of office, the Kenyan MP can display a touching concern and affection for the average Kenyan, especially if the average Kenyan is female, has the right dimensions and has access to funds of say, a Nigerian. (How’s it going Raphael?)

Kenyan MPs have no problem playing the David to the working man’s Uriah. In fact if you work in the city and think your MP will reappear at the constituency only at election time you’d better establish and maintain contact with your neighbours so you can be notified when David comes hunting your Bathsheba.

Sadly, this is the only interest your MP may show in you. He however expects you to pay for his fuel, for the roads he travels on, for the sugar cane he eats on the way, for the v1agr@ he pops en route and for the roof over his head. I was very amused when Amos Kimunya tried to tax these garden gnomes. Perhaps his current woes may be traced to this very act.

But let me not belabour the point. It is futile to expect these Orcs to return to the forge from which Saruman created them. The older I grow the more I realize that Guy Fawkes was onto something.

AOB

Obama had better not get too complacent about his victory. From past experience, once Juja results arrive everything might change!

Pic Of The Day

What the fuzz is this guy doing to Spiderman?

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That is me flying through the air with the greatest of ease.

Reading from Left to Right: Myself and My Better Half

Hopefully the above will explain my absence for the past few weeks ….

Here’s to you missus … WORLD DOMINATION CONTINUES!

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My admiration for the man notwithstanding, I strongly believe, as I do in the our local setting, if you vote for a candidate for anything other than the issues, or for that matter don’t vote for a candidate for a reason other than the issues, and to be specific tribe/race then you are an ass.

In fact, voting for Obama because of his race makes a mockery of everything the man and democracy stands for. And on the same coin not voting for him because he is black speaks volumes of the state of democracy, maturity and fair play in 2008!

I’ll bet If parallel sentiments were expressed at a McCain rally protests would be flooding faster than you could say Jim Crow.

Quote Of The Day

Wednesday? That’s too early in the week

Priceless

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Kenya as usual sent a delegation that was top heavy, rich in officials, officers and attaches and wanting in athletes. And even those officials, officers and attaches were only going to exercise their right arms raising forks and tankards to their lips. I am informed our new Sports Minister took along the fruit of her loins at the expense of stadia officials. I no longer pretend to be surprised. Where can I as a citizen get a list of who went to Beijing with their bill footed by me, the taxpayer?

Gymnastics

A female Chines gymnast rejoices under the name He Kexin. For a she, being called He no doubt can lead to a somewhat delicate social faux pas. He (she) has spent a lifetime enduring the little embarrassments that are inevitable when a she is called He.

Here He is

Swimming

Few things can cause more consternation than swimming in a pool against Michael Phelps. From the looks of things he has a small outboard motor that he makes religious use of.

Tearing it up

While fellow swimmers subsist on diets of lentils, cold water and the memory of chicken, Michael Phelps was gorging himself on pizzas and burgers. Michael Phelps has the distinction of taking home more gold medals than

• The entire US track & field team
• Africa
• Countries 9-85 in the medals table

Athletics

Sprints

Usain Bolt is clearly the man of the moment. 3 gold medals, Olympic records and 3 world records later, he shows no signs of slowing down. The fellow ran so fast the camera covered him to the finish line and then back to get the fellows straining for 2nd position.

Bolt Of Lightning

Once upon a time I ran the 100m (humble school sports days, not Olympics!) and I can assure you few things are as agonizing as running as fast as you possibly can and watching some fellow pulling away from you! It’s just a matter of time before sour grapes (see below) label the poor chap Saddam Usain

To the doofus who had a Michael Phelps moment and dived for the line in the 400m: chap, in London 2012 there will be rules against low flying aircraft.

Finally to ground!

If a virus descended upon the Olympic village this night, 8 people would emerge unscathed. These would be the US men & women’s relay teams, who have amply demonstrated they can’t catch anything.

Whoops!

Long Distance

Kenenisa Bekele is a man I respect. The guy appears to have extra lungs somewhere on his person. Few things can be as depressing as being a participant in a race with this chap.

Living legend

For instance, some hapless fellow was lapped by Bekele in the 10,000m. As Bekele comfortably glided past, the fellow had a flash of hope until he realized that to win the race he had to overtake Bekele twice.

Paula Radcliffe is a heart wrenching figure indeed. Every time she’s on TV she is either in her trademark agonized hunched run, looking like she is in acute distress (or constipation), or she is in an inconsolably tearful state. Or both. Can she get some honorary award of some sort?

Boxing

Our representatives in the boxing events returned with little fanfare last week after being summarily eliminated.

There’s no shame in losing. After all you lost against some of the best in the world. What is not in order is attributing your loss to the electronic scoring system. My friends, that one is not convincing.

Football

I had the pleasure of watching the women’s final match between USA and Brazil. My friends that was some of the best football I have ever seen.

Cycling

With its proliferation of cyclists, I was surprised that Kenya did not send an cyclists to Beijing until I remembered that we are under an administration that would win a clean sweep of medals for gross incompetence, blatant corruption and 1 x 40 gorging of public coffers

Tae Kwon do

Cuban Liu Kang Angel Valodia Matos changed the Olympic sport forever when he kicked the taste out of a referee’s mouth

Finish Him!

Sour Grapes

If you go to any American news site covering the Olympics you will be pleasantly surprised to find that according to the medal standings America is first. The criteria they use is number of medals. Using this warped logic, if you have 2 bronze medals you are placed above a country with a single gold. You’d think finding some sense would be simpler than finding weapons of mass destruction. In Africa we should divide number of medals by nuclear reactors to get who is first.

AOB

Guess which movie some relay teams would rather not watch?

Ok, that’s my last shot. I promise. FYI I have once in my distant past dropped a baton too

SHORT BRIEFS #1

Only In Kenya

AOB

World domination: T-53

Pics from a variety of sources, including Reuters, The Times

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Chapter 13: Silence, worth a thousand words

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Bill is the kind of chap who unlike the rest of was possessed of the gift of the gab. If there was one thing Bill could do it was talk, and talk well. A career in sales was just what the doctor ordered for our Bill. Bill could and did sell motorcycle tyres to people on foot. Bill sold pork chops and sausages to devout Jews. He sold sides of beef to vegetarians. I have little doubt that Bill could convince Lucy Kibaki to purchase the East African Standard.

Which brings me to the meat and potatoes. Bill replicated his successful sales funnel in the field in his affairs with the daughters of Eve. His large phone was ever beeping, tweeting and chirping with text messages and phone calls.

As with all generous men, Bill took great issue with the imbalance of eligible men vis a vis eligible women, and took it upon himself to make up for the difference. Selflessly sacrificing his time, he could (and did) entertain and sample the charms of up to three women at a time. I once watched in stunned amazement the master at work on two date simultaneously in the same eating establishment where with the dexterous use of rolled up sleeves convinced both his dates that his occasional absences from the table were to attend to a patient that was unwell in a back room. Bill never shied away from discreetly introducing a MD to his title.

”Like a wolf in a fold” are words that will always have special meaning to me after seeing Bill hard at work on Sundays. Bill’s unassailable logic, with which I heartily agreed, was that wifely material was simply not available at the Simba Saloon at 3 in the morning. It was however, more likely to be found at Corpus Christi at 12 AM in the morning, and so after a hard night at the Simba Saloon dance floor Bill rushed home, showered, shaved, grabbed his dog-eared bible (dog-earing was done by Bill’s devoutly Catholic mother) and within an hour was singing “Ave Maria” with the same gusto as he sung “’pon de river, pon de bank” not 12 hours earlier.

After the service Bill freely mingled with his fellow parishioners, especially his sisters in Christ. Phone numbers flowed from dimpled maidens to Bill’s phone with the ease of Government officials disposing of hotels. Making full use of his office as an organizing fellow of The Christian, the Church’s newsletter.

And so it was thus Bill met and turned his attentions to one Christiana Wekesa (name hidden to protect the guilty). She put up a spirited fight but she was like the Grand Regency to his Libyan consortium. I congratulated Bill on his excellent taste and good fortune in finding a good woman. He agreed.

One day Christine saw it fit to send Bill a text message inquiring as to his mode of dress for a meeting he was attending. Like 9.8 out of 10 men Bill took the opportunity to inquire with keen interest what she was wearing. Things naturally deteriorated from there. Several text messages later (Safaricom remarkably was able to handle the load) Bill composed a lengthy message illustrating in great detail how much as he appreciated her navy blue skirt skirt, white blouse and stockings, on the whole he would much rather she not have them altogether.

He then proceeded to paint a rich tapestry of what exactly he planned to do had he not been separated by duty and geography from her. A fine sheen of sweat peppered his brow and upper lip as he put his back into a lengthy text message that had the screen of the Nokia fogging over.

Suddenly he noticed that the meeting he was attending required his input so he quickly scrolled to Christina’s name in the phone book and hit send. He then tabled his market penetration graphs and miscellaneous visual aids and got on with it.

His phone vibrated in his pocket as a text message arrived. And then another. And then another.

He smiled modestly to himself and wondered if Casanova might have gotten further under his tutelage.

After a lengthy presentation he sat down and fished out his phone to find 18 unread messages and 10 missed calls.

"Poor old gal,” he said smugly. “Can’t handle old Bill, can ye?”

As he read the messages his smile began to falter.

The first message was from his Bishop who went out of his way to elaborate politely but firmly that the only place he would allow himself to be kissed was on his rings as symbols of his office.

The next message was from Sister Mary Margaret and consisted solely of question marks.

Father Mulinge from the parish urged him with great speed to see him as soon as possible for counseling.

Retired Colonel Wilberforce J. Majani (Rtd) wanted to know what the devil he was playing at.

Bill felt a cold hand clasp his heart.

With trembling fingers he navigated to his outbox and a ghastly smile appeared on his face.

The correspondence had not been sent to Christina after all, but to ‘Christians’, which happened to be the distribution list of 70 involved in the Church newsletter, which included the Bishop of the Diocese and several priests, nuns and respected members of society. They had received the text message (composed of 6 text messages) and read it with initial curiosity followed by confusion followed by disbelief and finally shock at some of the initiatives Bill was proposing that he undertake without further delay.

Bill now is based in Rwanda, where I believe he has converted to Islam.

The saga he told me over drinks one stormy night some months back. I sympathized with him.

“Well, now people have read about another ass in addition to Balaam’s” I could not resist pointing out. “Always best to make a clean breast of things, not take it lying down. Once everything is laid bare, things tend to work out.”

I can’t really say that he was all that amused.

AOB

World Domination proceeding steadily. Us against the world, you and me against the world T-3

PIC OF THE DAY

Tell us something we don’t know!

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But now … I table the following composite. Who is who?

*Taye Diggs from an AP Photo

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