This gem I have just been forwarded has left me quite amused

Her Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me,and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary

Arsenal lost!

I am mystified as to what point we stopped speaking English in the business world.

This link,  http://news.saymedia.com/2010/09/videoegg-to-acquire-six-apart-and-create-say-media.html, had this gem:

Through the creation of social hubs and influencer-driven custom content programs linked to the innovative AdFrames offering, SAY Media delivers engagement across display and mobile.

What the bugger have they just said?

Sometimes truth gets in the way of fiction making it very hard to blog …

Here’s the thing.

If you call someone and they don’t pick, and you call them again and they don’t pick, DON’T CALL A THIRD TIME.

Really.

Calling a third time makes you look like a complete doofus, and every time after that increases your DF (doofus factor) exponentially.

Some people, like me for example, take it as a challenge to see how many times i can ignore your phone calls if you call more than twice in a row. I have successfully artificially evolved the gene that removes the urgent need to answer a phone call and say "hello" as soon as the phone rings.

This makes me unpopular in particular with people in the sales profession, who think I am kidding when I say "Don’t call me, I’ll call you". Attn. those folks peddling mortgages, credit cards and loans from Barclays etc. Don’t call me. Really.

If you call someone twice and they don’t pick it is because of one of two reasons

1. They cannot pick the call (in a meeting, driving, being mauled by a hyena etc)
2. They do not wish to pick your call (you are a stalker, you are owed money etc)

Whichever the case may be, calling for the 40th time does not increase your chances of hearing " {Click} Hello?" If anything it steels the determination.

If you know you’re not No.2, just wait after your second attempt. Your call will be returned. If not — well, try physical stalking.

Also, by the way, joining chocolate teapots and powdered water is the question "Why weren’t you picking my calls?"

Don’t ask that question, because there are only two possibilities and only one answer

1. Person could not pick the call because they were in a meeting, driving, etc. In which case they will tell you they were unable to pick the call
2. Person did not wish to pick the call because you closely resemble Onyancha. In which case they will tell you anyway they were unable to pick the call.

In summary, there is only one answer to this question, so don’t bother asking it. Save time. Save your credit.

And if you are an adult of sound mind and body, are gainfully employed and are still flashing folks … may you wake up in the Middle of New York with Osama Bin Laden’s face grafted onto your own. You are, in colloquially correct Kiswahili, a "shenzi type!"

It is not entirely wise to be rude and disrespectful to waiters and waitresses. First of all they are human beings like you and me, who have a very hard job as it is without having to deal with rude and obnoxious muppets like some of you.

Secondly, there is a window between when they receive the food from the kitchen and when they put it down on your plate with a plastic smile for your rude countenance. Anything can happen in that window including surreptitious introduction of various substances and/or bodily fluids.

Think about that tine next time you are rude and obnoxious to these hard working ladies and gents

I dunno. Maybe its just me. But George Thuo, former MP, looks like the sort of chap that would convince you to exchange your family’s last cow for a handful of magic beans.

Just wait there. I’ll be right back. Promise

If you have not received a certain email from someone purporting to be a devout Christian analyzing the Kadhi courts you will soon. I myself received it this morning and have spent the day trying not to work myself into a rage. This email is quite simply a daring attempt to polarize our country’s Christian and Muslim populations.

Why was I trying not to work myself into a rage? You see, I got similar emails in 2007 only instead of Christian and Muslims it was Luo/Kikuyu Meru/Kalenjin etc. Kenyans have foolishly and amazingly forgotten just what happened when a people are polarized.

What maddens me is that this email while on the surface looking like written by a well meaning Christian was undoubtedly written by someone extremely intelligent. Why I think this I shall disclose as we go along.

Since the email purports to be based on facts, all of which can be demonstrated to be false, I shall attempt to debunk the absurdities that I have seen.

The email itself opens as follows:

URGENT

THE SHOCKING TRUTH ABOUT CONSTITUTIONAL KADHI COURTS and THE ABORTION CLAUSES

PICTURE THIS

Immediately below this is a small hypothetical narrative. From my little knowledge of psychology and human nature, that narrative is there to put the reader in a certain state of emotion. For my purposes I shall conceal the narrative for now and reveal it a bit later.

Then comes the bunkum

LIES THE MEDIA IS SPREADING ABOUT THE CONSTITUTIONAL KADHI COURTS AND ABOUT ISLAM

LIE NO 1. – The Kadhi courts have been retained in the proposed constitution as they are in the current constitution. This is a blatant lie. Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is that the jurisdiction of the Kadhi court in the current constitution is restricted to the 10 mile coastal strip stretching from the Indian Ocean. This was the territory that formerly (before independence) belonged to the Sultan of Zanzibar. This area did not belong to the British and was therefore referred to as the British Protectorate. This area is currently referred to as the former British Protectorate. Furthermore in the Bomas Draft and in all other drafts except the Proposed Constitution, the jurisdiction of the Kadhi court is restricted to this 10 mile coastal strip. In the Proposed Constitution the jurisdiction of the Kadhi Court will be nation wide. I hold that there is a big difference between a ten mile coastal strip and nation wide.

Here we have a very clever attempt to influence the mind of the reader. The premise is if you surround something with facts, the something you have surrounded with the facts gains credibility. 10 mile coastal strip? Not in the constitution? Complete nonsense. From the judiciary website:

Kadhi’s Courts are established under section 66 of the Constitution. Their operations are regulated under the Kadhi’s Courts Act (Chapter 11 of the Laws of Kenya). Kadhi’s Courts deal with matters relating to personal status, marriage, divorce, inheritance in proceedings in which both parties profess the Muslim faith. Kadhi’s Courts are subordinate to the High Court.

There are fifteen (15) Kadhi’s Court stations in the country, namely, Mombasa, Garissa, Lamu, Marsabit, Bungoma, Kisumu, Isiolo, Eldoret, Wajir, Nairobi, Nyeri, Nakuru, Kwale, Hola and Malindi.

Just so we’re clear. Kadhi courts are in the constitution and are not limited to a 10 mile coastal strip. Further more their jurisdiction is clearly limited.?

LIE NO 2. – The Kadhi court will not affect you if you are not a Muslim. This is a barefaced lie. You must not believe it. The courts will affect everything in your life. You may even find yourself without a place of worship as in the story above. Your taxes will pay the Kadhi and his staff. If each Kadhi gets a million and you add construction and other expenses, they could be taking off a clean 20 Billion from our national budget. They will use GK vehicle, they may take your land for construction of the courts.

Notice how the author has started by arguing it is a barefaced lie and burning the reader not to believe it. Author then goes on ahead to provoke by saying the courts will affect everything in your life and you might find yourself without a place or worship as the story above. The author then seamlessly states that our taxes will pay the Kadhi and his staff. This might actually be true, given that for all intents and purposes Kadhis are actually civil servants. But then again taxes will always be used to pay civil servants. The author then switches to provocation about paying the Kadhi a million and then with fascinating arithmetic claims Kadhi courts will cost 20 billion. Author then asserts your land may be taken to construct the courts.

Notice if you may not a single fact has been raised to back these absurd allegations. Why is it a barefaced lie? How will it affect everything in your life? Even for Muslims the courts do not affect everything in their lives. I remind you: in the law their jurisdiction is limited to personal status, marriage, divorce, inheritance

LIE NO 3. – The Muslim "brothers are friendly people who mean no harm". This is the biggest lie of all; Muslims are sworn enemies of Christians. Their faith encourages them to lie to kafiris. (Non- Muslims) and to kill kafiris who get in the way of their religion. In Islamic nations, like Pakistan, a Christian can be arrested and jailed for preaching. Here in Kenya, we seem to be rolling the red carpet for the Muslims. Take a look at the Islamic nations around us; see the kind of violence we are inviting.

I’m still not sure if this warrants the dignity of a response. Sworn enemies? Kill Kaffirs? Laughable. I urge all Christians with an iota of sense not to believe half truths peddled via email. Buy, or better yet, download and read a Koran for yourself. Having done it myself, I highly recommend it.

As for violence in Islamic nations — there is plenty of violence in Christian nations, starting with this one!

LIE NO 4. – That having Constitutional Kadhi courts in Kenya is purely for sorting out family matters between practicing Muslims. This is also a lie; the plan of constitutionalizing the Kadhi courts is a part of the Abuja Declaration for the Islamatization of Africa. It is not an isolated incident. It happened first in NIGERIA. Today in Nigeria, pastors have to buy guns and hire people to guard churches, but our "Muslim brothers" are still managing to burn some of them.

Just to refresh: the jurisdiction of the courts in the law is personal status, marriage, divorce, inheritance. Nothing to debunk there. As for the Abuja Declaration quoted, this is it. I don’t see anything about Islamization of Africa. And if, for hypothetically, there were, what’s wrong with that? All religions wish to spread their faith. As long as its not by force, what would be the problem?

LIE NO 5. – That all religions will be equal before the eyes of the law. This is the mother of all lies. The CEO deleted the clause" THE GOVERNMENT SHALL TREAT ALL RELIGIONS EQUALLY" This clause was present in the bomas draft , and in all subsequent drafts, but it was deleted by the Muslim headed COE to make way for the elevation of Islam from the proposed constitution. Christians be warned, the only religion in the proposed constitution is Islam. Christianity doesn’t even get a mention. Do not be deceived, they are trying to sneak in Sharia Law through the back door. Ask yourself, why would they delete this clause unless the opposite is true?

This is complete nonsense. The clause is in fact in the COE draft. See Chapter Two 10 (iii). The bit about Sharia law through the back door is absurd and is a leap defying logic.

LIE NO 6. – That the amendments can be done after the referendum. This is probably the most shameless lie of all. The truth is that one requires a million signatures to petition a clause, a 2thirds majority in both the upper and lower houses and a referendum to change a single clause in the Protected Articles. Kadhi courts fall under the article on the judiciary which is protected and Abortion fall under the Bill of Rights which is also protected. They are making a fool of us. If we swallow this, they will soon be laughing all the way to the Consolidated Fund and the Treasury.

Changing the constitution indeed requires quite a bit of effort. This is not necessarily a bad thing, because we all know politicians are wont to change the law to suit themselves. I will research on what exactly it takes to effect a change because I refuse to believe what this author writes. I will update this section in due course. What I can laugh at right now is the leap in logic to Muslims laughing to the Consolidated Fund and the Treasury.

LIE NO 7. – This is the best proposed constitution so far, the let church not be a wet blanket by spoiling it. This is merely a guilt card and they should know better than to pull this one. This is not the best constitution so far, in fact it is the worst. It has a host of hidden clauses insert by individuals and groups of individuals with sectarian interests. These clause are so disguised one requires an international law degree just to recognize them. Take the clause on abortion for instance. This is the same clause that was used in the UK to legalize abortion. Whoever came up with the clause must not only be well informed but also very conniving.

Whether is is the best or the worst is entirely subjective. Let people read for themselves and decide this. Let them not be pontificated by anyone — not MPs, not the Church and certainly not absurd emails. The nonsense of hidden clauses leaves me amused. How can a clause be hidden? Invisible ink?

The abortion clause that allegedly requires an international law degree to understand is this one: Chapter 4 25 (4)

Abortion is not permitted unless in the opinion of a registered medical practitioner, the life of the mother is in danger.

The author then attempts to give some commentary

SOME ALARMING DEVELOPMENTS HAPPENING IN KENYA AS YOU READ THIS

Do you know why government is yet to release the results of the census which ought to have been released ages ago? The reason is not only shocking, but alarming. It is because persons of Somali ethnicity now out number any others in Kenya. Experts are saying this kind of increase can only be explained by immigration not birth. In a case of too little too late, the government has now stopped admission of children into public schools without birth certificates to curb illegal immigration. The question is, what about all those Somalis that now hold illegal ID, what they are going to do about them. The government has already lost cases in court against these illegal ID holders. Our courts appear to hold the view that a national ID is sufficient proof of citizenship Somalis are 99.9% Muslim. As you read this, these illegal ID holders are now busy being registered en mass as voters by a Muslim headed IIEC. You still think all is well?

No one is disputing there is an issue with immigration. But how is it alarming?

Have you noticed that mosques have multiplied ten fold in our neighborhoods in the last 5 years?

Utter bollocks. This means that where there was a single Mosque there are now 10, the other 9 being built in the last 5 years. Laughable

Have you realized investment by Muslims and Islamic countries have also increased ten fold?

I challenge the accuracy of these statistics. And even if they were true, what’s wrong wth investing? Aren’t Christians and Ogieks investing as well?

Are you aware that the head of IIEC, the PSC, and the COE are all Muslims?

The first two perhaps. The third? And even if it was the case, so what? Suppose they were all Christians. Would their credibility change? Should it change?

Are you aware that our beloved Prime minister has some kind of pact with Muslims?

Are you aware that our president as well has some kind of pact with ISLAMIC COUNTRIES?

Both these long in sensationalism and short on facts. Which pacts? Which countries?

This can only mean Kenya has been targeted to become an Islamic haven. This ought to make you very worried. They now have the voting power and the money. They are also very united and extremely good strategists.

Not the way the clever author sweepingly concludes that Kenya is to be an Islamist haven. How, pray tell? All the ‘lies’ and commentary above had the purpose to put the readers in an emotional state of fear and distrust. And just to make sure, author says you ought to be very worried. To now culture an image of subterfuge, author allides to them being united and good strategists.

Social engineering at work my friends! Brilliantly executed.

Have noticed the increase of incidences of demonstrations conducted by Muslims for the most minor reasons?

Aside from the ones for the Jamaican, and the one for Grogon, which one? Not also the use of ‘most minor reasons’. Demonstrations are common in this country. Everyone demonstrates! Nurses, doctors, Mungiki, teachers, mechanics…

Did it capture your attention that for the first time in Kenya, we had demonstrators using guns to attack security officers? Tellingly this was a peaceful demonstration by our harmless "Muslim Brothers". This ought to worry you.

How is this new? Mungiki, Sabaot LDF, SunguSungu etc have been doing this for years!

Did you know that according to a recent UN investigation hundreds of Kenyan Somali youth are now fighting alongside the insurgent AL-SHABBAB against the TFGORVERNMENT of Somalia? Do you realize that if history is anything to go by, these youths are likely to come back home and use their experience to instigate plan and execute a parallel insurgency right here in our own country. If this doesn’t worry you, I don’t know what will.

Which investigation? Give us the report. And even if it were, the talk about parallel insurgency is just alarmist. To cement to emotional state of the reader is the helpful guide ‘If this doesn’t worry you, I don’t know what will.’

Are you aware that our politicians having noticed that the landscape is increasingly Islamic are now falling over themselves to make pacts with Muslim leaders in order to secure their political future?

Proof? Which politicians?

Are you aware that you are now the last hope in this war? The politicians have failed, the civil society has failed, the professionals have failed, and the experts too have failed.

Now this I agree totally insofar as consensus building is concerned.

WHAT CAN I DO?

Register as a voter and wait for the referendum.

Agree totally!

Send this email to all Christians you know including the one who sent is to u. you must do this with urgency. Time is far spent and we must inform all before the Islamic propaganda gets to them.

Print out this email and make copies for the friends you have who have no email. Please do this with utmost haste. The future of the future generations of Christians depends on us.

RUBBISH! If you become party to forwarding this email my friend you will share the responsibility in the attempt to polarize this country.

Also, no sincere Christian can possibly have composed this email. Which Christian, so soon after Easter to boot can remotely associate the hate and deception peddled in this email to the words and teaching of Christ?

Edit the article to your suitability (Add facts I may have omitted or clarify others) and resend to all Christians you know. And please hurry and do not delay.

I just have.

Keep the article away from Islamic headed commissions and committees and from the Islamic Nation Media.

RUBBISH!!!!!!

And there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Someone purporting to be a Christian stoking the embers of a divided nation.

If you still remember the horror of 2007 you will do your best to arrest this absurdity and talk to those who believe it.

Now, the story that this email opened with

It is five years from now and the Kadhi courts have been operational for the same period. Your uncle is crying, the government has just forcibly repossessed his land and is planning to compensate him for less than his land’s worth. He seeks your advice about taking the government to court to get market rate on his land but you advise him against it. To your surprise the government begins to construct a mosque on what was formerly your uncle’s land. On completion you are informed it’s not a mosque but a Kadhi court. It begins operation and the compound is full of GK vehicles. A convoy arrives with GK vehicles complete with GK drivers and GK body guards. What appear to be Muslim clerics disembark from the GK vehicles. You are informed that these are the khadhis. They are now government Islamic judicial officers (what a contradiction, you think). You draw nearer to get a closer look and the guards inform you that this is an Islamic institution and you should therefore keep off. You leave wondering how your constitution came to allow the government (Kenya now has a Muslim president) to build and fund a Muslim religious institution.

You go to church the following day, eager to share what you have seen with fellow Christians. You find the gate locked and a big crowd outside. You notice the Pastor and you draw near to him. He tells you and others that the government has closed the church because of its proximity to the Kadhi court. He has been informed that the court is constitutional and the church is not, therefore the church must give way. He may rebuild the church at an appropriate distance so as not to disrupt court proceedings, and no, it doesn’t matter what came first only what is constitutional.

This is clearly designed to provoke the reader into a heightened state, a state that will influence the reader to believe the tripe that follows immediately after.

And to the author of this email — you are a very clever individual indeed. Why you want to take this country back to where we were in 2007/2008 only you and your maker know. If only you could put that brilliant mind to the service of this nation!

I hope you will reflect on what you are doing. It’s not too late!

As for me personally I have no problem with Kadhi courts. I do not believe they affect me. Their jurisdiction is limited. They serve a need in cases where the law is grey. For example Islam allows more than one wife. The law does not, unless in the context of either Islamic law or traditional law.